Control Something!

On Friday, Rick and I drove to Delta, BC and back. On Thursday, Ann and I went to the Supermall during the day and Rick and I went to Gig Harbor for our annual eye exams. Today, we ran a 5K and attended a dinner auction for Coalition Humane. These events may not seem related, but bear with me!

I have had one recurring dream (nightmare?) throughout my life. It started around the time that I turned 11 and the setting of the dream is often Pennsylvania where I lived at that time. The dream involves a car careening down a gravel road, with me not in control at the wheel. I'm the driver, but I'm sitting in the back seat, or the pedals are out of reach, or my legs are tangled up. Sometimes a young child or sick friend is in the car with me. The "deep meaning" of this dream finally became obvious to me in my early twenties. The dream appears to torment me when I feel that I am out of control of my life. Part of my self-inflicted therapy has been to learn to let go, in other words, not care so much about controlling everything. Although sometimes, when  I have the dream, it is appropriate to try to adjust my life so that I gain more control. I think that we all have a need to control our own lives, the trick is to not let that bleed over into attempting to control the lives of those around us!

Yesterday, I had a lot of time to think while riding in the car (over 7 hours to be exact) and realized that the limited diet I've been experimenting with has really given me a feeling of control over my life. There are many areas of our lives that we just can't control sometimes, but we each can control what we allow ourselves to eat and not eat. Paying attention to the results of our eating habits allows us to enjoy the results of that control. In the past 3 days, I've eaten at home three times, all of them were for breakfast, and ate out six times. When I ate out, I tried to control what I ate, but it was nearly impossible. My california roll at the supermall had a suspicious mayonaisey flavor. My fish, wild rice, and green beans at Green House in Gig Harbor were amazingly delicious, most likely because of the butter sauce in which they were floating. The only vegetables on the Gari of Sushi menu last night were tempura. Tonight's vegetable lasagna had a lot of cheese and a mystery white sauce. The salad was delicious, but the dressing definitely had something spicy in it that is probably from the forbidden nightshade family.

I really like to eat out. When I started on this restricted diet, I was pretty upset that my eating out would be limited. But, I'm slowly learning that eating home cooked meals allows me such a great amount of control that I think I might prefer it. I'm also slowly learning that eating the delicious food that makes me sick just isn't worth it. I really wish that I'd eaten dinner before tonight's event and that I'd refused a slice of that amazing cake. My head hurts, I feel fatigued, and I'm really having trouble finishing this post that I started this morning because my thinking is cloudy. Now, my next step is to remember when I'm eating out that I really do have control over what I put in my mouth and to not worry what people think of me. Yes, I'm now a picky eater! With pride, I'll say it! I can pick and choose what to eat based on how that food serves me. I deserve to be healthy and I will be!

"When you have your health, you have everything. When you do not have your health, nothing else matters at all." Augusten Burroughs