Gratitude. Day 2.

Today, I am grateful
for Lisa

Lisa believes in Angels. Lisa loves all things Disney. Lisa radiates Joy.
I am not like Lisa.
I will be more like Lisa.
No, I don't think I'll ever believe in angels or enjoy a trip to Disneyland.
I will radiate JOY.

I have been spending roughly 40 hours a year with Lisa for the last few years. She always greets me with a smile and a hug. Sometimes we talk, sometimes we do not. She is my massage therapist and, now, my friend. Over the years, I've seen Lisa grow and she's seen me grow, too. She's several steps ahead of me, always, but never judges my progress. She's seen me in some of my darkest moments - moments that I manage to hide from most people, but couldn't hide from her. She's heard about all of my best moments, because I can't wait to tell her things that others might see as bragging, but she thinks I deserve the abundance that is my life. Can you imagine?

My idea of posting gratitude daily on Facebook came from seeing Lisa's posts, which lately seem to be full of gratitude. I was suspicious that she was making a concerted effort to post her gratitude every day, but she had never mentioned it to me in person. When I saw other friends posting about 30 day projects they were beginning for October, I decided I wanted to have a 30 day project, too. I thought about what I want to accomplish in October, and it was, once again, still, to be happier - more content - less mopey - less moody - less ashamed - more confident... you know, I want to radiate joy. In several of the books about the preceding topics that I've read in my quest for personal peace, the idea of expressing gratitude daily was listed as one of the best ways to increase the "feel good" in life. I tried a few times, writing 5 items before bed each night in a special journal. Five items first thing in the morning, to get the day of to a good start - that one lasted 4 days - I have proof; I just pulled the a little blank book, dated October 14, 2009, from my nightstand drawer. (Funny thing, the third item on the first day reads, "massage appt. today.") The quote on the inside cover is "She is a gatherer: moonlight, found wishes, moments of gratitude." It's the sweetest little blank book. It's not the book's fault that I only used it four times. I want this time to be different. I want to follow through. I want to see if this works! So, today, during my massage, I asked Lisa about her posts and she told me that she committed to 90 days of expressing gratitude and that she feels amazing, that I definitely should try it. Since she started the project, multiple people have told her that her positivity is astounding. Then, she told me that she's seen me change so much already, that I've used the physical issues I've faced to learn and grow. Then, she transferred some energy from the angels to me.

Her encouragement means so much; today, I am grateful for Lisa (and her angels). Thank you, Lisa.


"Appreciation can make a day, even change a life. Your willingness to put it into words is all that is necessary." —Margaret Cousins

Open Call for Criticism

Tonight I had a disagreement with a friend that turned ugly. She said some things that I think she has wanted to say to me for some time. It hurt.  But I want to hear the truth. So, this is an open call to anyone that wants to let me know how they feel about me. Do you also think I'm self righteous? That I push people away? That I imply all kinds of hurtful things? That I'm mean? Go for it. Let's do some laundry.

Picture 50 - March 12, 2011

Pat is an awesome table hostess! 

She brought us headgear, puppy bookmarks, bouncy balls, and art projects!

Wine & Whiskers
dinner auction to raise funds for Coalition Humane

Priorities and Relationships

Most days, I create a blog post in my head that never gets written. As interesting as I think it is, I know that when I post, it is likely solely my friend, Ann, who will read it. I get to see Ann at least once a week, and I feel like holding onto the posts in my head will give me something interesting to talk about with her! However, change is in the air! I've begun a journey to become a health coach through Institute for Integrative Nutrition.  One of the things I'll be doing during this year long program is writing and learning to market my services. What better way to sharpen my writing skills than to blog! Also, I'm already meeting some lovely people through the course and I think that if I share my blog with them, they may actually read it regularly! Also, one of the first assignments includes determining priorities and establishing a solid schedule to accommodate those priorities. Writing blog posts is one of my priorities and friends are another.

Now, reading above that nobody reads my blog, you may be thinking that I don't have many friends. A few months ago, I may have protested, and it is true that I do have plenty of acquaintances and Facebook "friends." But lately I've been realizing that I spend a lot of time reaching out to the people that I consider friends, but that they don't always respond, nor do they reach out to me. I am very lucky to have a few friends that call me, originate an e-mail discussion, invite me to join them in activities, or post nice things out of the blue on my FB wall. I'm proud to name them: Ann, Yolie, Raquelita, and my husband. I've been trying to focus on responding to them rather than chasing down the elusive ones. My life is definitely out of balance when it comes to relationships. I have a wonderful relationship with my husband, but I spend a lot of time alone, and I'm a social person. This is probably why I spend so much time on Facebook and Twitter. I now recognize that I need to make the development of quality friendships a priority in my life. I bought a stack of books on friendships and relationships and some of them were very helpful. I started putting into practice some of the things that I learned, but mostly I did this with people that I want to be my friends, but whose priority lists do not include me. The difficult part is not having my feelings constantly raw from rejection, no matter how subtle. Feeling isolated and being defensive come naturally to me; I don't need regular rejection or exclusion to help me along those paths! But how do we know when it is time to give up on a friendship? And what is the best way to do that? I've had two conversations this week that have helped me begin to answer those questions.

Conversation #1 was with my therapist. That is how lonely I am. I no longer technically need therapy, but I pay someone to talk to me for an hour once a month. She suggested that I am compulsive about the friendships that hurt me the most because I'm trying to heal a hurt from my early childhood, i.e. my relationship with my parents. Wow! That hit home. I don't want to go into the details of my childhood, but suffice it to say that I felt isolated, alone, criticized, not good enough, outside of, not listened to, and often friendless. One of my earliest memories is from when I was 4 years old and I would make a point of standing by the front fence so that one of the girls walking home from school would stop and chat with me. So, my therapist's theory is that when I find someone that shrugs me off or excludes me, I compulsively pursue that friendship in order to attempt to heal myself. Of course, that is a ridiculous way to live. I just end up getting hurt.

Conversation #2 was with a new friend. She agreed to meet with me once a week to just chat over a cup of coffee or tea. What a gift. I was telling her about the latest time that I felt rejected by a "friend" and she said, "Why do you care?"  Something about her tone made her words sink in and I've thought about it a lot since I saw her. Why do I care? One thought (defensive, imagine that!) is that I am just a caring person. hmpf. Another thought is that I had strong hopes that this particular friend would be a "forever" friend, like you read about in books or see in movies. She is smart, educated, fun, down to earth, funny, and clever. I can relate to her struggles, appreciate her strengths, and admire her goals. But I'm trying to keep the dream alive when it is obvious that I'm not even an honorable mention on her priority list. And, once again, my behavior is ridiculous.

But giving up a dream, letting a relationship go, is tough. And, as my friend pointed out, probably tougher when I'm feeling rejected. I keep thinking that maybe I did something that upset her, or she is avoiding me for a reason, or she is just so busy! Then I mull over in what manner should I let it go? Cold turkey? Just never reach out to her again? Do I warn her? Explain? I've decided yes and no. I am explaining - right here and now. If she ever decided to read my blog, she would know how I feel.

Going forward, I am dedicated to being a better friend to my true friends and working on building healthy (non-compulsive) relationships with a few more people, when they come along. I have two in the works right now and you know who you are! I hope you'll be part of my life for a long time to come.

As a reality check, I'd like to end this post by stating that I have been a really poor friend several times in the past, this becomes clearer to me each day, and I possibly deserve the angst that I am experiencing now.

I am grateful that my coursework at IIN includes not only learning about the food that we put into our mouths, but what they call primary foods, those things that make our life balanced and complete: exercise, relationships, career, and spirituality. I'll be blogging about all of these, in addition to nutrition through the next year, as I learn and grow. I hope you'll come along with me for the ride!

Picture 32 - February 8, 2011

Day 17 Pic

January 20, 2011

Day 15 Pic

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

I love spending time in kindergarten!

Day 9 Pic

January 10, 2011

Day 3 Pic

January 4, 2011

At Farelli's with Amy on the anniversary of the fateful day that Rick and I crossed paths at Farelli's 4 years ago. Rick surprised me by calling on Amy's phone to say "Happy Anniversary" and also gave Amy money to pay for our "date."

365 Days of Photos Begins

Jan 2, 2011

I'm joining the trend and will be posting a picture a day. The goal is to find a way to remember and treasure each day of 2011 and improve my photography.

This first photo is my friends, Justin and Amy, with their dog, Libby, during a lovely walk through the woods near Ashford, WA.

Friends

I'm having a tough day in a tough week. But my friends, well, they are the best in the world. I don't know how I got so lucky.

Yesterday, one of my friends took me to dinner and drinks at Pour at Four followed by a fun presentation on food blogs at the local library.

Today, another friend dropped off flowers and cupcakes at my door, with the sweetest little card attached.

It says, "You don't have to share"

Then, a third friend told me to get my butt to The Rosewood (where nobody, including her, really cares if I've showered) for a bite, some company, and to support Dine Out for Life. I'm going to eat some leftover pizza at home because it is so delicious and I'm still feeling anti-social. But I am going to head to Rosewood at 6:00 for dessert and glass of wine.

Yes, that means I'll have had like three desserts today. You got a problem with that?